What If?
by Anamnesis Redivivus
Summary: All of the answers to your ‘what if’ LOTR dilemmas! Can’t handle any level of character bashing, then don’t read. Not chronological(ie: FOTR, ROTK, TTT), all on my whim...R&R CH.7-“Can You Hear Me Now? Good!”
1. When Did Gold Go Out of Style?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Please review to let me know what you think!

***

Chapter 1: When Did Gold Go Out of Style?

Everybody sat in his or her little seats in a circle at Elrond's Council. Why a circle? Because Elrond's obsessed with perfection. He thinks any polygons with corners are imperfect, so there!

" We're here to decide the fate of the Ring and Middle-earth, yada yada yada! I need some moron stupid enough to take this treacherous thing to Mount Doom. Any victims, er, I mean volunteers?" Asked Elrond. He impatiently tapped his feet with his arms crossed. He began to glare at everyone - they were all avoiding eye contact, looking around and whistling, or twiddling their thumbs. Elrond studied everybody, then decided upon Boromir. The man from Gondor was wearing enough platinum jewelry heavy enough to anchor him to the bottom of the ocean...that tempted Elrond, but he kept his cool.

" Hey, Boromir. Why don't you take this Ring and add it to your jewelry collection? It's free of charge," said Elrond. Boromir lowered his platinum and diamond encrusted sunglasses to look at the Ring.

" No. What do you think I am? An idiot?!"

Elrond tried to seduce him with other free stuff. He searched his pockets and huge sleeves. All he found was some gum wrappers, few worthless Shire coins, and hairpins.

" Um..." Elrond hesitated. He took out his wallet and showed him a picture of Arwen.

" Take it and I'll give you my daughter. Ain't she hot?"

Aragorn...I mean Strider, jumped up and glared at Elrond.

" Hey! You can't do that! You won't let her marry me because I'm a mortal, but you'll marry her off to that mortal just because you need to get rid of a ring?!"

Elrond snapped.

" Shut up!"

Both glared at each other and the people present could see hate-bolts flashing between their eyes. Gandalf rose and looked at Boromir with his bling bling.

" Why won't you take it? It's gotta be worth something - it's real gold."

Boromir scoffed.

" Look at me! I am not some poor person you can manipulate. I have taste, man. I only accept platinum. Do I look like I'll accept anything less?"

Gandalf thought for a minute while Elrond and Aragorn...Strider, still glared at each other. Apparently they were too chicken to fight physically.

" Did you know that the yellow platinum jewelry are in style right now? Silver colored platinum is soooo out of season!"

That really got him.

" Well, I guess I could take it..." Boromir hesitated. That tempting lie also struck chord in another greedy fellow. Frodo Baggins jumped up.

" I'll take it!"

That gene in the Baggins family really screwed him up this time. If only Frodo knew what he was getting into... Elrond broke the glare and walked around imperiously.

" All right! It's decided! Frodo from Moronsville will take the Ring into Mordor. Any other victims?"

Eight other people began to eye the Ring greedily now. Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas all jumped up, then suspiciously eyed each other.

" We'll volunteer!"

Elrond clapped his hands and smirked.

" All right, you're...um, yeah, the Fellowship of the Ring! Now, go to your doom!"

The Nine Walkers marched away, all eyeing the Ring with hopes of getting their grimy hands on it. The One Ring thought, ' man, I'm so sexy!'

***

A/N: Well, that's it for this chapter. Review so I'll post the next chapter. I will be saving good ones until I feel like posting them. Two of the ideas had me cracking up. Maybe it's just me...^_^;; REVIEW, MY MINIONS!!!


	2. The Barad dûr is Falling Down

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ROTK SPOILER!!!

***

Chapter 2: The Barad-dûr is Falling Down, Falling Down, Falling Down...

Frodo and Gollum were slapping each other around like a bunch of schoolgirls when Gollum had the 'brilliant' idea to bite off Frodo's finger. Who knew Hobbits tasted like chicken? Gollum was shaking his scrawny booty out of sheer happiness, then slipped on the pool of blood from Frodo's finger. He was too happy with the ring to notice that he was falling down to the li-quid hhhhot mag-ma (say it with me like Doctor Evil from the Austin Power movies...I don't own it...). As he's melting like a chocolate Oscar statuette (also not mine...) in the Sahara, er, I mean Mordor desert, the Ring melts too. It screams in its thought, thinking ' eeeek! I'm meeeeltiiiiiing! Meeeeltiiiiiing!'

The black tower of Barad-dûr begins to crack like old Gandalf's white skin at Caradhras. The bloodshot (or fireshot...) Eye frantically looks around, hoping that the stupid Orcs would gather the dirty Orc mattresses before him.

' Shoot! I forgot I have no arms!' The Eye thinks. He makes a memo to himself to make some mechanized robot arm attachment to the tower if he should ever survive. Everyone who was fighting stops to look at the tower falling. Elves, Orcs, Men, Hobbits, Dwarf, Trolls and etc. all cock their head to the right as the tower slowly falls. No need to remind you that they all look pretty dumb while they're doing it...they're like kids hypnotized by Pokemons, if anyone remembers the furry little buggers.

' Crud! Shit! Crap! I see jagged rocks!' The Eye thinks to himself. The janitor Orcs had been slacking off. A bunch of leftover stones from building the Black Gates lay _conveniently _near the tower.

" Oh, look. The tower's falling," Aragorn murmurs dumbly. Everyone's really out of it right now. Nobody's thinking at all.

" Hey, there's a huge fireball on top of it. The Barad-dûr looks like a candle," says Imrahil. Others nod in agreement, and continue to cock their head to the side to follow the ultra-slow progress of the falling tower. Some massage their necks and curses our good ole PJ...and modern technology of slow motion.

The Great Eye doesn't diminish quickly enough as the tower falls. When it finally reaches the ground, jagged rocks stab Sauron's Eye. It roars.

' 911! 911! I've been stabbed in the Eye! Help! Hot plasma oozing through the wound, ouch, ouch!'

Uncannily, the Eye still hasn't diminished. Janitor Orcs begin to slide away stealthily. Medic Orcs come carrying a huge stretcher. A doctor Orc with a stethoscope comes with his long arms dragging on the ground. He tries to examine the Eye, but Sauron refuses because the Orc is filthy. A supposedly cleaner Orc tries to examine the wound, but is melted by the extreme heat from the Eye. Someone manages to put an IV fluid on the Eye. Guess what happened...

The Eye begins to steam, bubble, shrink into a membrane, then smokes. The doctor Orc shrugs his shoulders.

" What am I, an optometrist?"

Others agree. The Mordor clean-up crew comes with gigantic brooms and a wastebasket. Trolls messily clean up the scene. The people who were fighting in front of the Black Gates look at each other for a while. What do they do now?

" I guess we could keep fighting," says one Orc. Aragorn shakes his head side to side.

" No. We're gonna beat you."

As they're about to go at it again, Mt. Doom starts to pour out magma. The ground begins to shake and crack like you-know-who's skin. All the evil minions of Mordor falls into the crack while the good guys stand at the edge of the new cliff. Gimli looks down at the black abyss, then whistles.

" Things always have a way of working out for us."

Gandalf winks.

" I have _connections_."

The good guys pick up their stuff, then marches off back home, singing 'the Barad-dûr has fallen down, fallen down, fallen down...'

***

A/N: So ended the reign of terror of the great Eye...quenched by hospital IV fluid. Who needs sports drink when you have that? Sorry for the weird ending. I was trying to finish this quickly so I could put it up. Review now! *marching and chanting with the army of Gondor * I don't know what I've been told, but the authoress wants some more reviews!


	3. Senior Aged Citizen, Junior Sized Memory

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

***

Chapter 3: Senior Aged Citizen, Junior Sized Memory

Bilbo managed to trip a few people on his way back to the house, invisible to everyone without a magic ring...which happens to be everybody. He had to unlock the door with a stick and hairpin because he forgot his house key. Smart, eh? Taking off the Ring as soon as he enters, he tosses it. He forgot to catch, so he picks it up after the Ring after it rolls around a bit. The Ring thinks ' I'm such a pig, rolling around on the dirty floor...'

Gandalf turns sharply and glares at Bilbo. He's pissed that he had to leave the party early, leaving behind his fireworks for the stupid Hobbits to blow up right in front of their faces. What would become of his beloved flammable wooden cart?

" What do you think you're doing, Bilbo?! Trying to invite the Black Riders to the party?! You know they ruined the last one they went to! They stabbed everyone with Morgul blades because they couldn't tell one apart from another!"

Bilbo looks blankly at Gandalf.

" What? What Black Rider?"

Gandalf remembers that Bilbo has become too senile and has a deteriorating memory.

" Never mind! Just gimme the stupid Ring!"

" Ring? What ring? I have a ring? Cool! Where is it? I wanna wear it!"

Gandalf slaps his forehead, then walks up to the Hobbit. He grabs Bilbo by the ankle and hold him up. Bunch of random crap fall out of his pockets.

" Coins, marbles, chocolate, paper, keys, book, watch," says Gandalf as he keeps track of things falling out. He becomes annoyed when he doesn't see the Ring.

" How much stuff can you fit in your pants and vest pockets?!"

A whole sponge cake falls out. How did that ever fit? It's not even mushy!

" Hilly Shire! I mean, Hairy Hobbit! I mean, Wholly Northern Kingdom! I mean, _Hole_y Boromir! I mean, Holy Eru! How'd you do that?!" Gandalf asked. Bilbo looks at the cake on the ground. He takes a piece and eats it.

" I dunno. Hey, it tastes good. You want some?"

Gandalf cringes when he sees green mold on it.

" No thanks."

He puts down the old and wobbly Hobbit back down on the ground.

" So, where is the Ring? It's not something you ignorant people should play with. A very moody bastard put his moodiness in it. That's why the Ring changes color when it gets hot...(thus the mood ring was invented...)"

Gandalf sees Bilbo writing stuff in a book.

" Hey, are you listening to me? What are you doing?"

Bilbo replies " I'm writing down my adventure with the Thorin and Company. I don't want to forget it."

Gandalf slaps his forehead.

" You moron, son of moron the senior, from the city of Moronsville! That was years ago! You already wrote about it! You tried to get it published but the Hobbits from the Hot-stone Muffin Publishing Company (in no relation with Houghton Mifflin...I don't own it...) thought you ate some poisonous mushroom because you forgot that it was poisonous, then got high and wrote the thing!"

Bilbo flips through the pages and finds the story.

" So I did. What else did I do?"

" You adopted a distant relative of yours named Frodo Baggins after his parents died because out of your numerous relations, he really showed some real spirit."

" Hey, don't accuse me of kidnapping! You just said yourself that I adopted him!"

Gandalf looks like he's about to explode.

" You just asked me what else you did!"

" After what?"

" After you wrote the story about Thorin and Company!"  
" Who and Company?"

Gandalf suddenly grows in size like a blowfish, except his cheeks aren't puffing. That might have eliminated his wrinkles temporarily, but he's not going to make himself look silly.

" Bilbo Baggins! Don't take me for some moron from this Moronsville that you can fool around! I'm trying to take the Ring away from you so I can save you!"

Bilbo stares at Gandalf.

" What ring?"

Air, fat, or whatever made Gandalf go puffy disappeared, resulting in his return to normal size of six or seven feet. Bilbo still looks short standing so near him.

" I give up in trying to convince you with words."

Gandalf thrusts his hand into Bilbo's vest pocket. Just when he found the Ring, Bilbo jumps back in fear.

" I don't _like_ you like that, Gandalf!"

Throwing his hands up into the air, dropping the Ring, Gandalf sighs. He murmurs to himself.

" Somebody should end that old twerp's misery...wait, I'm older than he is."

He shrugs.

" Now, pack your stuff and get out of here. The Black Riders will come looking for this Ring."

Bilbo goes off to the kitchen.

" Bilbo! Where are you going?!"

" Didn't you tell my to pack my stomach here because the black bread from the tavern will make me puke?"

Gandalf packs Bilbo's bag for him while Bilbo eats the moldy sponge cake from his pocket. He forgot once again that it's moldy. When Gandalf's done, he shoves the bag to Bilbo and hands him a walking stick.

" Go to Elrond's place in Rivendell where the brainy Elves may cure your annoying senility."

Gandalf laughs.

" I never thought of it this way, but the Elves prove that not all blonds are dumb...what you will learn when you travel..."

He pushes Bilbo out of the door. The old Hobbit managed to remember how to put on a backpack and hold a walking stick.

" I think I thought of a name for my book."

Gandalf's eyes go wide in astonishment. Finally, some intelligence is seeping out of that sagging skin flap of a living being!

" I'll name it after a book I once read about a midget who traveled with other midgets and a freakish old giant to find some treasure guarded by a huge dragon with stolen bling bling. I'll call it There and Back Again."

Gandalf falls to his knees and commenced to cry.

" That's the book you're writing right now, stupid! Please, go far away and never return! You're the reason I'm so damn grumpy all of the time!"

" Go where?"

Gandalf's lying face down on the floor, banging his fists to the wooden flooring. He manages to point east.

" Follow that path. If you ever forget where you're going, just use the super-developed Hobbit nose to follow the smell of elvish food! It's the only thing Hobbits have to boast about over all other living beings!"

Bilbo nods, then starts off while singing. Gandalf looks towards the center of the house where the Ring shines so seductively. The wizard thinks ' ooh, it looks so pretty from here!'

The Ring grins as Gandalf pulls away his hand after just touching it. It thinks ' I'm a _hot_ commodity! I make everyone look sexy!'

While Gandalf sits in front of the fireplace, trying to cool his burnt finger by the blazing fire (wow, that Ring must be _really_ hot!), Frodo enters to continue the cycle of defective-Bagginses-annoying-the-short-tempered-wizard.

***

A/N: Longest chapter for this fic yet! I had sooooo much fun writing it! Hope you enjoyed it too! **Review now**, mere mortals! Review away while you still live! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! *chokes on saliva, coughs, hacks* Re...view... *medics come with stretchers, Ioreth comes too* AHHHH!!! Keep that garrulous Gondorian away from me!!!


	4. The Wine and the Wizard

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

***

Chapter 4: The Wine and the Wizard

Gandalf and Pippin finally got to eat some food at Minas Tirith, so hungry from riding for days. They haven't really stopped for hay at a hay station because we all know that Shadowfax, the lord of the _Mearas_, doesn't need rests like weakling regular horses.

" This is pathetic! I thought this was a rich city. I thought we were gonna get some roast pig and all that good stuff. All we get is some pathetic bread and wine!"

Pippin still munches on the food. Hobbits are all talk and no action, you see...

" Just shut up and eat what you have. You do realize you've been eating in your sleep? You ate all of the food the Rohirrim gave us! I've been starving myself, although I already have a girlish figure, because you fat pig ate all of the food!"

Pippin takes a long look at Gandalf.

" You _do_ have a girlish figure."

Gandalf stands up and twirls. He's really happy about his new white wardrobe. He even whitened his hair with stress to match it.

" I do work out with swords and my staff, and smoking tobacco does make you a bit slimmer (I don't promote smoking...I hate it)"

Pippin nods, and then realized that he ate his entire share of the food. He greedily eyes Gandalf's dish. Gandalf's too busy looking at himself with a hand mirror. He smirks as he thinks of inside jokes for himself, completely ignoring the Hobbit. Pippin deems this his chance to stuff his stomach like a Thanksgiving turkey, except not through the anus (AHAHAHA....Ha...ha...).

" I think white suits you well," said Master Perian. His hand inches slowly towards the dish. There is half a cake left still on the plate, and Pippin tries his best to keep his stomach from growling so loud. He tightens his abs to prevent the complaint of the stomach. Unconsciously, he holds his breath too. Pippin's face starts turning white, blue, purple, and then black. His fingers touched the plate, but he can't hold his breath any longer. As he exhales, his hand clumsily knocks over a goblet full of red wine. It sprays onto Gandalf's clothes, then the rest drips from the tabletop to his lap. Pippin's face becomes pale, then he starts to edge away backwards.

" You..." Gandalf says while pointing at Pippin. " You stained my white outfit! With wine! Do you know how big of a fashion emergency this is?! Wine doesn't come out easily, you fool! Only the selfish Elves have Elfy-Clean (no relation to OxyClean...I don't own it, not even the 1 lb. tub...), the stain remover powered by their awesome elfiness! Without it, this stain will never come out!"

Gandalf starts to wipe the remnant off with a napkin. He sighs in exasperation as he looks at the huge stain. It looks like he killed an Orc and the blood sprayed on him. The area below the belt looks like he had a 'feminine accident.' How embarrassing would that be for the Istari? Tolkien never mentioned explicitly that they were all male...no specie can reproduce with only one gender (either one of the Istari is female o_ O or they're asexual...@_@ Wormy worm worm, that's all I'll say for now).

" Doesn't Gondor have a dry-cleaning place? Maybe they can take the stain out," murmured Pippin. He wanted to try to appease the angry wizard. He may be a witless moron from Moronsville, but he felt the animosity between Gandalf and himself ever since he stole one of the fireworks. Pippin never fully blamed himself for that because Merry was his accomplice and he was smarter - he truly believed Merry tricked him into doing it. It only got worse when he made that ruckus in Balin's Tomb, then looked at the _palantír_. They were the ultimate odd-couple of Middle-earth.

" Gondorians _imitate_ Elves, fool! They may claim that they can remove wine and coffee stains, but nothing can match the almighty Elfy-Clean and its elfiness! Gondor's Manly-Clean is a cheap imitation!"

Pippin looks at Gandalf very frightened. He never saw the wizard so informed about fashion and its subcategories such as cleaning instructions and such. Suddenly an uncomfortable feeling came over him. He always thought Gandalf was joking, but now he realized the wrinkly man was...serious as Saruman's sharp fingernails.

" Can't you use your magic to undo it? You are a wizard, after all."

Gandalf lost his mind.

" This is wine! The archenemy of white clothes and carpeting! Its allies are the coffees and chili pastes! No power in Arda can repel their powerful stains! Even Sauron could not defeat them!"

Pippin's eyes went wide in surprise.

" Really?"

Gandalf seems to calm down a little bit as his lore knowledge becomes the topic of the moment.

" Yes. He got so frustrated trying to clean up his white Mordor (desert...) that he made everything black and red. Minas Morgul still remains white because Isildur put too much varnish on the surface that no paint will stay on it. The accursed wine, coffee, and chili paste stain still remain."

Pippin shuddered. He plopped on a chair without looking, then sat on Gandalf's bag.

" I'm sorry!"

When he stood up, pile of clothes fell out. They were all white and perfect...and all identical to the one Gandalf was wearing right now.

" Hey! You have extra pairs! Not fair!"

Gandalf glared at Pippin.

" It's the _principle_ of the matter!"

Knowing that his cause was lost, so Gandalf gave up his haranguing of Pippin. Still, he took back the piece of bread that Pippin stole.

***

A/N: Another weird ending, I know. I've got some better ideas up my sleeve, wait, I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt...um, whatever! Review now before I tell Gollum that you have the Ring! No shame in being a tattletale if nobody lives to tell about it! *evil grin* Well, maybe not...


	5. PUI Predicting Under the Influence

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

***

Chapter 5: P.U.I.(Predicting Under the Influence)

Frodo clumsily followed Galadriel down the long flight of stairs. Galadriel smirked when she heard him fall and roll down the stairs. She grabbed the silver pitcher, then dipped it in a fountain while she looked at Frodo brushing himself of the dirt. He's trying to act as if it never happened. There's green moss all over his face.

" Would you like to look into the mirror?" She asks. Frodo walks up. He speaks slowly while yawning. He's a bit pissed that she deliberately woke him up by walking near him.

" What will I see?"

Galadriel commenced to pour the liquid from the pitcher onto the shallow silver basin.

" Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass."

She finished pouring the whole thing. A grin comes up on her face when she sees that he's struggling to look at the mirror.

" Haha! Can't see the mirror, can you?"

Frodo tries to deny it by setting his toes on a ledge provided by the engraving on the sides of the short column where the mirror lay.

" I can see it! Don't you worry! Cocky Elves! My uncle warned me about your haughtiness, but this is worse than I imagined!"

He manages to look at the mirror. Reflection of the sky is all that he sees.

" Liar! Trying to fool me with your elvish ways, are you?" Frodo eyes Galadriel suspiciously.

" Look again, dufus!"

" Don't call me a dufus, dufus!"

" Did you just call me a dufus?!"

" Yeah, I called you a dufus!"  
Just then, Frodo caught the sight of the changing reflection. He saw the green hills of the Shire. Everything seemed normal. Suddenly, Hobbits clad in bright pink, orange, purple, and blue clothes began walking around. The sky turned yellow with black dots everywhere. Frodo saw Elves dancing drunkenly on top of Hobbit houses, singing weird songs about a dog named Bingo. Dragons with sunglasses and a little too heavy on bling bling went flying about, dropping brown and smelly surprises everywhere. There were strange creatures clad in armor, with lights flashing, and moving very rigidly. A man clad in brown clothes jumped out from behind a bush, then waved around a candle with a very long green flame.

' What's going on?' Frodo thought. ' This isn't the Shire! Something's wrong with this!'

Little boys and girls clad in black capes with little sticks came about and started making everything float in mid air. Strange men-like creatures appeared out of nowhere and started drinking the blood from those kids. People clad in skin-tight black clothes jumped off from a black metallic bird, then began shooting red flames from eyes and slashed happy trees with claws from their hands. Five men appeared wearing very colorful clothes, picking random people to take to stores and dressed them up in clothes like their own. A man appeared from another flying bird, blurting out random words like ' fuzzy math' and ' weapons of mass destruction.' Another group of five men appeared, except with black snake-like things about their head and ear, dancing and singing with the most bizarre outfits. A blonde woman stopped frightened Hobbits with a bowl of food in her hand, asking ' is this tuna or chicken?' It was chaos in the Shire.

" Hey! What's going on?! Are they the minions of Sauron?"

Galadriel peeked at the mirror. She had been seeing the same images, but she wasn't paying attention.

" Oh, look! How funny!"

Frodo slips while he tries to claw at Galadriel. She laughs at him.

" I know what you saw, and I thought it funny. It's what happens when I put alcohol on the mirror instead of water. It's much better than the tele."

Frodo looks blankly at her.

" The what?"

Galadriel snaps her fingers.

" I forgot that you inferiors aren't able to see the future! Well, let's just say that it's more fun than watching you drunken Hobbits dance on a tavern table."

Frodo nods.

" Well, I gotta go to sleep now. See you later."

With that she begins to walk away. Frodo stops her.

" Hey! Is that all I get to see? You screwed it up!"

Galadriel points to a sign hanging above the mirror. It states ' this amazing offer is one-time only! See your future while this offer lasts!'

" You miss it, you lose it. Although," she smiles slyly, " I could arrange a redo if you do something for me."

Frodo is too hasty in agreement.

" I'll do anything!"

Galadriel whispers 'excellent' to herself.

" Let me touch your Hobbit feet! I've always wanted to touch the furry, moldy, dirty feet! We Elves can't resist the furry things!"

Frodo shrugs. It's a pretty good deal, no?

" All right."

Galadriel daintily touches the feet. She giggles, then empties the mirror of the alcoholic content. The mirror slurs curse words. It's obviously not done with its elvish wine.

" Shut up! You had enough!"

The mirror silently complains while the cool water sobers him up. Frodo looks once again into the mirror.

***

A/N: All of the things I've mentioned in the description of the ' drunken future,' I do not own. I do not mean to offend those people and fictional characters. Well, review NOW!!! Review now or I'll send Galadriel's drunken mirror after you to haunt you with twisted images of Gollum petting his _other_ precious!


	6. Caution: Wet Bridge

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

***

Chapter 6: Caution: Wet Bridge

The Fellow ship runs with arms linked, doing can-can along the vast hallway. Gandalf is the only one running behind them, trying to get them to run faster.

" Run you morons! This is no time to prove that you can simultaneously dance in the face of danger!"

They don't listen to him. Gandalf looks back in fear as the Balrog gets closer.

" Move! MOVE OR DIE!!!"

He sees the Bridge of Khazad-dûm ahead. He thinks that the eight can-caners will all fall off the cliff if they don't break up the dancing nonsense. Just as they reach the bridge, they split and start tap-dancing across the bridge. They have their hands behind them, and amazingly they do not fall off from the lack of balance mechanisms...their arms.

' I'll be blasted to Mordor...' Thinks Gandalf. He follows. Just when everyone makes it through, Gandalf sees that he will have to fight the Balrog if they want to survive. Not that he cared. He knew his _connections_ would revive him.

" Hey, you! Balrog! Stop or I'll make you sorry!"

The gigantic Balrog laughs. Goblins laugh also. Balrog snarls, then they shut up. They ruined his trademark Evil Laugh (TM...not really...).

" Grr grrr gr grrrr grr grrrr!" (translation: You puny things cannot beat me!) Says the great Balrog.

" Don't call me puny! You'll be tiny if you burn yourself into a piece of charcoal!"

The Balrog stamps his feet like a little kid.

" Grrr gr grrr grr grrrrr grrr gr grrrrr grrr gr!" (translation: Don't you dare compare me to a charcoal! I am the great Balrog!)

" More like a charred-log! I have the flame of Anor! Your good-for-nothing dark fire of Udun won't help in saving your burnt behind!"

Gandalf raises his sword and staff to look cool. The rest of the Fellowship look in aw at their leader, chanting 'wow' in unison. Gandalf smirks to himself.

" You shall not pass!"

Before Gandalf could strike at the bridge, the Balrog starts walking onto the bridge. About half way through, it suddenly slips off the bridge unexpectedly. The Fellowship plus the Goblins blinks madly at the flaming titanic charcoal falling into the darkness below. Boromir asks " what happened? Did you do a magic trick, Gandalf?"

Too surprised to take the credit, Gandalf murmurs " no. He fell off by himself."

Gandalf inspects the area where the Balrog's feet last touched. There's a pool of liquid.

" Is anyone bleeding profusely?" He asks. Everyone checks himself or herself. Even Goblins, who have black blood, check themselves. They all chant "no." The Istari tastes the liquid. It tastes like Shire ale.

" Who spilled Shire ale on the bridge? I was supposed to valiantly sacrifice my life to save you all! Curse it! One of you robbed me of my glory!"

Pippin checks his pack. The bottom of his pack is wet.

" My ale! It's all gone!"

Gandalf rushes up to the Hobbit and grabs him by the shirt collar. He picks him up.

" You pipsqueak robbed me of my glory! Give it back, you fool!"

Aragorn and Boromir try their best to free Pippin. Gandalf shook the Hobbit so much that his eyes are spinning. Gandalf regains his composure, then is about to lead on the Fellowship. Suddenly, a flaming whip comes up and grabs Gandalf by the ankle. It pulls him down into the darkness.

" Grrr gr grrr grr grrrrr grrr grrrrrr grr!" (translation: I'll take you down with me for calling me a charcoal!)

Legolas smartly remarks as Goblins prepare to shoot arrows at them.

" Well, I don't know about his glory, but he finally got to sacrifice his life!"

Everybody cheers. A faint curse is heard from the darkness. The remaining eight of the Nine Walkers tap-dances their way up the stairs, and as soon as they're out of the door they link their arms to can-can their way away from Moria.

***

A/N: Grrr grr grrrrr gr grrrr! (translation: Review now, my charcoal minions!)


	7. Can You Hear Me Now? Good!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: Just a bunch of random, silly thoughts I had while watching the movies. Changed a few things around so I can make the story sillier. It's all in the name of fun, so enjoy...if you don't mind character bashing! I warned you in the summary, I just warned you, so don't complain to me about making fun of your fav character. I love LOTR too, so don't think I'm a hater! This is what happens when I'm allowed to have too much sugar! Definitely not chronological - I'll write whatever I can think of first. Please review to let me know what you think!

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Chapter 7: Can You Hear Me Now? Good!

" Blast this barren land! I'm tired of prancing around like a pansy Elf! We Dwarves have short hairy legs, unlike those of Elves that are long and hairless! Our body hairs create too much air resistance!"

Aragorn glares sharply at the complaining Dwarf. Gimli laughs uneasily.

" I get it; I'll shut up now. I suck at making fake excuses..."

The Three Hunters keep running, well, at least Aragorn and Legolas are running. Gimli's just trudging and falling and dusting himself. How embarrassing that must be for his companions! Aragorn pauses to put his ear to the ground. Gimli asks " what are you doing?! A worm might crawl up your ear and lay eggs in your empty head!"

Aragorn, who had actually been taking a short nap, snaps up and kicks Gimli in the shin.

" For your blasted information, I was listening for the Uruk-hai!"

Gimli smirks, then looks at the Dúnadan.

" So, what did you hear?"

Aragorn's face gets red as he fails numerous times to make an excuse.

" I...that is...I meant...they were...GAH!!!"

Aragorn grabs Gimli by the collar (let's say that he does have one, mm-kay?...lol, South Park...don't own it) and picks him up. Gimli's short legs are dangling like dead worms...just more hairy underneath the clothes.

" I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A REASON JUST BECAUSE YOU ASK!!! I AM ISILDUR'S HEIR AND I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANY-FREAKING-BODY!!!"

Gimli looks at Aragorn.

" Okay, okay! I meant it in a rhetorical manner."

Aragorn, who was about to let Gimli down on the ground, picked him up again.

" WHAT WERE YOU IMPLYING BY THAT?! THAT I CAN'T HEAR ORCS' FEET FAR AWAY?!"

Legolas sighs as he strings an arrow on his bow. Both Gimli and Aragorn look very scared. Aragorn drops Gimli on the ground and the Dwarf crawls on all fours like a beast to hide behind Aragorn's legs

" Drop it now or I'll shoot you here and now! If we tarry here, I can't get enough beauty sleep tonight!"

Gimli and Aragorn force smiles on their faces and shake hands. The Three Hunters start once again on the trail of the Uruk-hai.

Legolas sees a red sun rising. He starts rambling about how the atmospheric conditions make it look like the sun is a red ball. Aragorn and Gimli stares at him with a blank look.

" Obviously my intelligence is too advanced to share with you mortals! Must I always speak the language of fools?"

Legolas sighs and makes another attempt.

" I think someone died last night."

"Oooooh," said Aragorn and Gimli in unison. Legolas begins to run again and the other two follows. It's not long after when they see a group of Rohirrim cavalry riding towards their path. Aragorn decides to hide behind a rock to scare the poopies out of the soldiers. Legolas and Gimli shake their heads in frustration at the Ranger of the North.

" Freeze, er, I mean halt, suckas!"

The Rohirrim go past, then they round and come back towards the Three Hunters. They are all busy doing something. Just as they form a circle around the three weary walkers, their activity becomes suddenly clear.

" Can you hear me now? Good!" Says Éomer. He folds his cell phone...did I say cell phone? I meant yell box...yeah, that's it! Yell box...

" What do you want? We're not on our breaks yet. We still have to check all of the reception qualities in this area. We're very busy, so hurry up and talk!"

Aragorn, who was looking curiously at the cell...yell box along with Legolas and Gimli, snaps out of it.

" Um, yeah. What news from the Mark?"

Éomer sighs, then hands Aragorn his yell box.

" Check it out yourself on the Spiritnet (no relation to the Internet...don't own it). All of our Rohanizon (no relation to Verizon...don't own it) yell boxes features Spiritnet, the strange contraption that allows you to find out information from the spirit that is within all living beings. Spiritnet catches the spirits in another strange net-like contraption to torturously interrogate and squeeze out desired information from the captive spirits."

Aragorn struggles with the yell box.

" Here," says Éomer as he works the Spiritnet. He shows Aragorn the Spiritnet News section.

" Oooooh!" Chants Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.  
" According to this article, Saruman is accused of taking over the king's mind! How controversial!"

Éomer smiles proudly as he scrolls down for Aragorn.

" Wow! You wrote it!"

Éomer's smile gets wider ear to ear as he explains.

" Gríma, the chief editor of Rohanizon News division said there was no evidence to prove it, so he demoted me down to a mere reception quality tester! I have to roam with these dimwits to check reception qualities all around Rohan! We're also in charge of driving out those industrial spies from Saruman's Isengardular (no relation to Cingular...don't own it)."

Aragorn returns the yell box. Éomer uses the conference mode to give order to all of his soldier/reception quality tester.

" Let's move out! Many more places to go to, many more people to call, many more Night & Weekend minutes to use!"

Gimli conveniently grabbed two horses without riders. Their masters had been tester napped by the wicked CEO of Isengardular.

" Hey! What're you doing?! We can't take their horses! I was going to sign up for their service! If you steal them, I won't be able to get a free yell box!"

Gimli grumbles, then smacks Aragorn on the head.

" I can't run anymore! We'll just 'borrow' these and return them. They won't notice with all of those quality tests that they're doing. They probably didn't even notice that their friends are gone."

Legolas agrees.

" Let's go now before those evil salesmen of Isengardular torture the stupid morons from Moronsville. Those idiotic Hobbits will be scammed into signing those evil contracts with ridiculous early termination fines!"

Aragorn nods. All Three Hunters mount the horses. Legolas complains because Gimli only got two horses when there were three riders. When he accuses Gimli of being afraid of horses, the Dwarf defends his reputation by stating that there were only two available. Arguing like two old human ladies fighting over some dress on sale at the clearance section, Legolas and Gimli follow Aragorn towards the verizon, er, I mean horizon!

***

A/N: I DON'T own any of the cell phone companies or the Internet! Review now!!! Review or I'll charge you with no-review fines...which is more reviews!


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